If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to
read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out
of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional
- only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.
I don't know who you are, or why you are reading this page.
I only know that for the moment, you're reading it, and that is good. I can
assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your
life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment,
to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is
not possible, we will have to make do with this.
I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill
themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that
you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short.
While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple,
practical things I would like to share with you. I won't argue with you about
whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about
it, you feel pretty bad.
Well, you're still reading, and that's very good. I'd like
to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that
you're at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not
you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest
darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that
you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It
means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still
wants to live. So let's hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.
Start by considering this statement:
Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds, resources for coping with pain.
That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy,
or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you
really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope
with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will
eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to
remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer
yourself up, if you could.
Don't accept it if someone tells you, "That's not
enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead
to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to
person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The
point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources
you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings
are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of
character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus
coping resources.
You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two
things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your
coping resources. Both are possible.
Now I want to tell you five things to think about.
1 : You need to hear that people do
get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now.
Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope
that this information gives you some sense of hope.
2 : Give yourself some distance. Say
to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I do anything." Or a week.
Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you
feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this
minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action.
Even if it's just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by
reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read
this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are
not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope
it is to you.
3 : People often turn to suicide
because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling.
And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so
desperately seek, if you are dead.
4 : Some people will react badly to
your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may
actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions,
by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad
reactions are about their fears, not about you.
But there are people out there who can be with you in this
horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a
hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care
for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell
someone what's going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:
Carefully choose a friend or anyone, someone who is likely
to listen
But don't give yourself the additional burden of trying to
deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases
an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping
resource you need to regain your balance.
5 : Suicidal feelings are, in and of
themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for
yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups
available both in your community and on the Internet.
If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how
you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your
coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won't be the
last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you.
It's time to start looking around for one of them.