Listen carefully. I’m about to tell you a story. I don’t
know what it’s about..but it is important.
Once upon a time I looked up at the stars and saw nothing
but dark sky. I thought it was beautiful like that, all dark and plain and not
trying to be anything. But then I looked harder. Nothing’s ever quite as great
as we want it to be, is it? It’s all mismatched colors, and words that don’t
make any sense, and no matter how hard I try to find the truth, someone is
always there covering it up. I’m writing so fast that I keep misspelling words
that used to be so simple. Where did I go so wrong that even a simple note
about it makes my hands tremble? When did my mind become filled with excuses
and dreams about who I could have been? I could have been a superhero. The fact
that I am not troubles me more than I would like to admit. It would be lovely,
don’t you think? To have a child look at you as though you were the greatest
thing? To have story after fantastical story written about you, and yet not one
of them measures up to the real thing. That would be beautiful. I might even
cry.
But which would it be? I ask you here and now. Would you take my
hand regardless?
And for a night with me, would you risk noon sun's furnace?
Thats when I realized that there is a time of night that looks just
like the dusk
Where we walk in calmest strides for we've completed what we must
The cool wind on our neck and the grey clouds on our eyes.
The time will go where it is led, be it to or from the day's
sunrise.
You see, I’ve been having trouble recently with this thing
people often called “feelings”. They confuse me. But most of all, they worry
me. Shouldn’t I be able to feel such feelings? And yet, so often I’m left
empty, like a forgotten cup in the back of a kitchen cupboard. Eventually I’ll
rot and become so filled with dust (that lifeless, thin residue that is never
quite enough) that I’ll be thrown away. Still, I know that I am not dead
because some things I do feel. It’s just other things. It really does bother
me. It’s like…I’m in a large cave. Most of everything inside me seems nothing
more than an echo of an echo spoken by someone at the mouth of the cave. It
reverberates around me like words so often do when they’re yelled in, but it
slowly becomes quiet. All that is left for me is this very odd whisper of an
echo that doesn’t really make much sense. I guess I just wish that I was filled
with a little bit more…exuberance. Something more like magic than this. Now
please don’t get me wrong. I do feel. Oh how I feel. Yet, still, sometimes I’m
empty.
I pray God fixes me soon.
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